Saturday, February 19, 2005

Granita Tapes Meeting 3, Part 2: Iraq

Editor’s Notes.

1. The third secret summit between Tony Blair, Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder took place at the Granita Restaurant, Islington, London on 11 September 2004.

2. An Australian NanoBug swarm (Brisbane U. Computational Entity, or BRUCE) recorded the meetings in conjunction with...

3. a previously undetected PicoBug entity representing the People and Small Entities Free Republic of Trinity College Cambridge, England. It used novel technology based on adaptive modular atomic structures derived from Strings found in a Chinese bicycle clip. OK, it’s a long story; I’ll cover it in more detail separately.

4. Topics discussed at the meeting were:
* The US Presidential Election (see last post)
* Iraq (this post)
* The wider situation in the Middle East
* Progress toward the Unholy European Empire.

Blair. (Patting hair). Let’s us move on to What To Do About Iraq. OK, Gerhard, would you like to put down that comely waitperson and start with your analysis?

Schroeder. (Adjusting ruffled hairpiece while keying phone number into mobile). Ahem, yes, Iraq. Well, the Americans are prevailing. Of course their media says otherwise, but, as the British say, “They Would Wouldn’t They.” (Ed: Expression is too complicated to explain). My Intel people use the "Chicago Test". If Iraq had the same per capita murder rate as Chicago, 13 people would be killed each day.

Chirac. (Lighting Gauloise and narrowing leathery eyes). Exactly! And on average the number actually being killed is less than 13. Regarding American deaths, our sources say the Americans are killing over 100 for every loss of their own. This is not good for the Syranians, or "Insurgents", as the New York Times calls them. (All giggle cynically).

Blair. (Looking manly yet boyish). We see the US Army and Marine Corps units in Iraq as now top quality - all the dross has been quietly shipped out. Their NCOs, junior and mid level officers are first rate. Much better than ours (looks glum and yet pleased). And of course they have massive air power and lots of artillery, which they’ve integrated into the close support role.

Schroeder. (Narrowing eyes to thin slits). So now we expect a successful assault on Fallujah, with high Syranian, er Insurgent (laughter) casualties.

Blair. (Looking boyishly penitent). Well, I hope they are successful, because Fallujah is our fault!

Chirac, Schroeder. (Eyebrows raised 10 and 2 inches respectively). Huh? Didn’t the US Army wind it up in 2003?

Blair. (Looking even more boyishly penitent). Yes and no. The reason the locals were mad in 2003 was because, back in the Gulf war, a RAF plane dropped a bomb into the middle of their marketplace, killing lots of them. Apparently some silly sod pointed the laser thingy in the wrong place.So, when the Americans asked for backup for the assault, I decided we Brits ought to give it. (C & S look bemused).

Blair. (Continuing). So, I asked my Army Top Brass for the best regiment in the Army to back the Americans up, and they told me the Black Watch. Jocks you know (Ed: English term for Scottish people).

Chirac. (Looking acute). I see, tough men, like Begbie in Trainspotting?

Schroeder. (Looking pensive). Yes, our Wehrmacht feared the Scottish soldiers - "Devils in Skirts", they called them!

Blair. (Looking rueful). Well, that's what I thought. Then I had their CO to Number 10 for a pep talk. Expected, you know, Braveheart. Total disappointment. Looked like he came from Dorking (Ed: Highly un-Scottish part of England). Said that he couldn't help the Americans because it was risky and he was bound by HASAWA (Ed: Brit Health & Safety At Work Act).

Chirac, Schroeder. (Looking supportive). Awful, awful, what did you do.

Blair. (Looking manly). Well I just ordered him to do it. And the little sod said "Weel, on your ain heed be it", and sent emails to the Press saying it wasn't his fault and what a brute I was.

Chirac. (Looking evil). So, it's (makes neck wringing gesture) for the Man from Dorking, right?

Blair. (Looking vicious). Well, hopefully the silly sod will get shot anyway. If he goes there that is, he was talking about remote-commanding via a video link from Dalkeith last time I looked. Anyway, back to to Big Picture...

Chirac. (Looking pleased). And so, although Kofi is working hard to buy the Syranians time, we expect that the Iraqi election will go ahead on January 30th. Before then of course we will see the Afghan election, which our people there expect to go well.

Blair. (Looking trustworthy). So, it seems that both elections will proceed. My chaps expect turnouts in both to be better than I got in the last UK election! (Ed: in Brit 2001 election, turnout was 58%, lowest since 1918). Of course we’ll have boycotts and so on, but our experience in years of cocking up colonial constitutions is, just leave them to it - they'll sort it out.

Schroeder. (Smiling fatly). As you did with us! Boycotters always come to the table once they’re about to be marginalized! For the same reason, I don’t see them splitting the country into into three, in spite of the ridiculous setup the British foisted on them.

Blair. (Shrugging and grinning). Not me, Guv!

Chirac. (Looking solemnly French). But the Syranians will keep on killing until they are eliminated. Which an elected government will do much better than the Americans. Because they know who the Insurgents (more laughter) are and where they live! (B, S: Cries of Damascus! Tehran!) And because any they capture will long for the safety of Abu Gharib! (Makes testicle squeezing gesture, evil chortles all round).

Blair. (Looking decisive). Right, so the Americans win this round. Where does that leave us?

Chirac. (Smiling evilly and stroking the Fluffy White Cat). France will come out well. We can provide all sorts of help for the elected regime. Like details of numbered bank accounts at BNP Paribas (Ed: Dodgy French bank - sorry, oxymoron!), and Who Got What out of Oil for Food. Not all names of course! (B & S snigger). So I think we’ll soon have plenty of nice arms and oil contracts.

Schroeder. (Looking sad, stroking Disheveled Gray Squirrel). We’ll do less well. We lose our WSMD contracts, since they just won’t need super-SCUDS. The elite prefers Chevrolet Tahoes to Mercs (Ed: quite right too, 4WD Tahoe LT beats a Merc S any day). But their kids will want BMWs. And their wives will want decent kitchen stuff from Miele & Bosch.

Blair. (Looking very sad, stroking Threadbare Blackish Rat). And we’ll be sort of fine. Lots of regime outings to Harrods, work for Control Risks (Ed: don't ask). ...Actually, we’re going to get way less than you two! And we paid out a bundle to actually fight the war. Bloody hell, as usual Frog n Jerry win!

Schroeder, Chirac. (Laughing, laughing). We did warn you! Never mind, you can be bad guy over the Syranian wars (Ed: in next post), and one of us will be the Loyal Ally. You should make out like a bandit there. Think of all that oil, all those Persian carpets in your Palace!

Blair. (Looking moodily out at rain soaked street, empty except for 100 armed guards). Yees. Anyway, we now need to consider the impact of a reasonably stable and democratic Iraq on the rest of the region, in particular the Syranians. Before that, I suggest a pit stop. Speaking of which, how are our PSAs holding up?

(Ed. Boring – to under 50s - discussion about manly ailments).

End of Part 2