Monday, February 21, 2005

Granita Tapes Meeting 3, Part 3: The Syranian Wars


Editor’s Notes.

1. The third secret summit between Tony Blair, Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder took place at the Granita Restaurant, Islington, London on 11 September 2004.

2. An Australian NanoBug swarm (Brisbane U. Computational Entity) recorded the meetings in conjunction with...

3. a previously undetected PicoBug entity representing the People and Tiny Entities Free Republic of Trinity College Cambridge (in England). It used novel technology based on adaptive modular atomic structures derived from Strings found in a Chinese bicycle clip. OK, it’s a long story; I’ll cover it in more detail separately.

4. Topics discussed at the meeting were:
* The US Presidential Election (previous post)
* Iraq (last post)
* The Syranian Wars (this post)
* Unholy European Empire Project.

Blair. (Triumphantly feeding a snack of Polenta to the Rat, which is sitting fatly next to his plate). Well done Gordon! (Ed: Rat named after Blair’s competitor, the Finance Minister). Jacques: thanks for the transfer of Total Group (Ed: Formerly TotalFinaElf) to Royal Dutch Shell! (Chirac miserably picks white fluffy cat remnants off suit). And Gerhard, I appreciate your gift of the consumer division of Siemens to Dyson! (Schroeder glumly removes disheveled gray squirrel fragments from hairpiece).

Blair. (Reviewing the two documents). Yees, that seems perfectly in order. (Handing papers to flunky). Just pop that round to Credit Suisse will you Howard? And don’t forget you’ll need your ID! (Flunky tugs non-existent forelock & departs). Now, moving on to the Syranian Wars, what are our thoughts?

Chirac. (Running hands over leathery jowls and raising eyebrows). We lost the first war in 1983, when we and the Americans withdrew from the Lebanon after Syranian suicide bombers used the largest non-nuclear explosions ever to kill 58 of our troops and 241 Americans Marines.

Schroeder. (Narrowing eyes). We appeased them until the Americans stirred up Iraq, and then they started the same game there. The Americans have better tactics, weapons and technology now, so the bombs are smaller. But the Syranians have been developing primitive nukes for some years & they’ll use them as soon as they get them. In Iraq, as super-IEDs (Ed: Improvised Explosive Devices, a rare Syranian invention).

Chirac. (Raising hands dramatically). Of course they’ll claim that the weapons were stolen from Russia by Sunnis, and nothing to do with them.

Blair. (Looking grim). And Dobby (Ed: Affectionate Brit name for President Putin) will swear blind it wasn’t anything to do with Russia, and blame the Ukrainians.

Schroeder. (Looking sneaky). But we’ll have the weapon fingerprint (Ed: Nuclear weapons leave distinct isotope residues & American drones will have identified the Syranian pattern). And then the British, the Americans, and the Shitty Little Country (Ed: French term for Israel) will destroy the 24 Syranian nuclear development sites.

Chirac. (Looking more sneaky). Which the Syranians will have prepared for, as we do, by hiding backup facilities under hospitals, day care centers, kindergartens etc!

Blair. (Looking boyishly grim). Then in retaliation the Syranians will truck nukes to anywhere they can reach by road. The Israelis will stage a lockdown, which should work. So the trucks will head for Europe. Maybe Frankfurt, or Paris, or by container to Cyprus. Even to London if they can disguise themselves as illegal immigrants! (All cackle weakly).

Schroeder. (Looking incisive). We don’t want that to happen. We have to shut the Syranians down before they can pull the trigger. The Americans and we three have slowed them by playing Bad Cop/Good Cop. And the Americans have used the delay to comprehensively survey Syranian assets and the regimes’ “bad actors”.

Chirac. (Raising eyebrows 12” and spreading hands). But we cannot track all these bad actors! The Syranian entities are Mafia states! Not just a totalitarian President, or a crowd of Mullahs. But also their entire extended families plus the extended families of their security apparatuses. Between them they own everything in Syran! Every individual in those networks is at least a millionaire, and the Godfathers are billionaires! We’d have to find and kill perhaps 100,000 Very Rich Persons!

Blair, Schroeder. (Brightening up). And the problem is???

Chirac. (Holding hands out, raising eyebrows 8"). We can’t track that many! And if we don’t kill them all, they’ll be back to their old tricks in no time! Remember your Machiavelli!

Blair. (Looking knowledgeable). Oh, but I know all about tracking. We have some boffins (Ed: Brit elite term for non-elite clever people) building tiny bugs at Trinity College Cambridge – you know Jacques, the 1,000-person college with as many Nobel prizes as France - (C winces).

Blair. (Looking sad) Unfortunately I’ve been making them take on Oiks (Ed: Brit term for not very clever persons) as students (Ed: I hasten to add only since 1997). And I’ve cut their funding, so they don’t have decent equipment. I’ve even forced their professors to use inferior imported bicycle clips. (Ed: Aha, light dawns!). So, you’re right, they won’t help us.
(Affirmative PicoJeer from the P&TEFRoTCC PicoBug).

Schroeder. (Looking pensive). So we need a quick solution that a) has the Americans do all the heavy lifting and b) is no risk to us. Let’s review the data.

Chirac. (Looking French). First, since we are thinking of war, we should think of ourselves. I ask you, what leverage do the Syranians have over us as individuals. I don’t mean our supplying WSMD to Hussein and them; we can always blame the companies that did it. I mean (rubs thumb and index finger of right hand together).

(All look pensive for 10 minutes, ticking points off on fingers and toes).

Chirac. (Smiling). I’m OK; Kofi will take the fall for Oil for Palaces.

Schroeder. (Laughing). And I’m OK, I can blame the CDU for the nukes. (B, C widen eyes).

Blair (Grinning boyishly). And I’m OK, I have an official fall person, name of Prescott, I can blame him for all the Mullahs I’ve let in to the UK.

Chirac. (Thoughtfully lighting 2 Gauloises). Excellent, so let us proceed. First, the essential facts. Iran is rich nation of 67 million, but all the wealth is in the hands of the Families. 65% of the population is under 25 and there is 18% unemployment, even worse than France and Germany.

Blair. (Laughing smugly). Sounds explosive to me!

Schroeder. (Combing eyebrows uncomfortably). But (as in France and Germany!) the guns and money are held by the, er, rulers. So if the students revolt, they will lose. Think Tienanmen Square. And the Families have substantial numbers of armed men, who don’t wear hairnets like ours do Tony! (Ed: Brit urban legend about German Army, which would be quite good if it wasn’t full of conscripts).

Blair. (Looking boyishly thoughtful). So, we're saying we will Prepare The Battlefield for the Young Persons to have a successful revolution! Then we just take the nukes away, as the Americans have done with the Russians? (Ed: Actually they’ve made a mess of it, but that’s another story).

Chirac. (Smacking hand on table, being nipped by Gordon the Rat). Ow! I mean exactly! So we see three stages: 1) take away their money; 2) track, identify & publicize the bad actors and 3) assist the revolutionaries in decapitating the Old Regime. You can see why France will have a major role!

Schroeder. (Looking German). To cut off the money, we take down the Families’ overseas assets and stop them traveling. Assets are in Switzerland, France and UK, correct? (B and C nod). Now that Switzerland has rolled over (Ed: Swiss now provide full details of private bank accounts to UEE governments), So I can shut the Swiss down, and of course Jacques can similarly throttle the French part (C nods).

Blair. (Looking earnestly boyish). They have substantial assets in London, including high-end houses. We can freeze those. Will dent Westminster house prices though. But I’ll get Gordon (no, not you Ratty!) to cut interest rates for householders in W1 and W2 (Ed: Gooood).

Chirac. (Looking evil). So now the Families will be poor. Their cars are old, they can’t get cosmetic surgery for themselves or their concubines & so they’ll feel old, and they can’t shop at Harrods so they'll have last year’s fashions, so they’ll look old.

Schroeder. (Laughing). Then we start OMWGM: Operation Most Wanted Goat Molester! With American surveillance assets, we identify the bad actors and publicize their names and locations on the Internet!. Tony can you arrange the web bit, say through Amnesty? They’ve been keeping a good eye on the Syranians.

Blair. (Glancing fondly at Rat). Consider it done, squire. We’ll arrange good cyber-defenses to keep the website up of course - the MoD (Ed: Brit Ministry of Defence) has contracted with of a couple of Israeli 14 year-olds. (Ed: Israeli teen hooliganism consists of taking down Hamas websites – tsk, tsk).

Chirac. (Smiling creepily). So now we have shut down and identified the bad actors, and we move to the final stage: decapitation. We’ve agreed that Tony will cease to be Loyal Ally. Rummy won’t come all the way to Europe to nail his head – he hates everywhere outside of Virginia (Ed: Understandably). So Tony’s OK as long as he doesn’t go to the US.

Blair. (Looking rueful). Which I certainly won’t! Last time I visited George, their immigration people insisted on taking my picture and fingerprints. Said they’d be holding them on an INS database for only 30 years! Only! (S and C groan “Not The INS!” bury heads in hands). And when I got home 20 credit cards had been opened in my name & used to buy $2 million of crack cocaine!

Blair. (Continuing manfully). Soo, to edge out as Loyal Ally, I'll have my man Straw (Ed: ex-commie Foreign Minister) whine about how it’s all very difficult and we mustn’t upset the Syranians. In fact he’ll do that whatever I say. (S, C Sympathetic grunts).

Chirac. (Smilingly). With Tony out, I will become the Loyal Ally. Remember 1789! (Blair looks irritated). Remember 1944 (Schroeder looks irritated). And of course our troops did suffer together in the Lebanon.

Blair, Schroeder (Looking caring). Too true, France should get first whack!

Chirac. (Evilly stubbing out Gauloise). I will volunteer our Foreign Legion (Ed: Decent bit of French Army). With them, the American Marines and SEALs & Australian SAS can helicopter in and make bad actors go Pouf! (Blair looks nervous). I mean bang! Of course it needs many helicopters, close air support, 24*7 anti-tank cover and air defense suppression, MOABs (Ed: Big area-denial weapons), and many drones. But the Americans have all of that.

Schroeder. (Laughing in a Bavarian sort of way). So with the “bad actors” moved “off the stage” (pauses for laughter, B & C sigh), the students will rise up! The Syranian armies will be toast, well actually more a sort of Crepe, curly at the edges and.., where was I? Ah, yes, so the Young Persons’ revolution will succeed! And the French will be heroes!

Blair (Looking uneasy). Er, maybe I should stay America’s Loyal Ally as well! I mean the SAS (Ed: Brit special forces, v good) is the only decent military I have left, and they’ll make my life hell if I keep them out!

Schroeder, Chirac. (Looking transparently wily). But Tony, you told us you wanted out… (Blair reaches for Rat)… OK, OK. Tony, put the Rat on the floor, walk away from the Rat… you can do whatever you wish!

Blair. (Stroking Gordon while smiling chirpily). So that’s it then! Exit Syranian bad actors; welcome some sort of freedom for the people. And we all win. I mean Gerhard; at least some of them will want S-Classes! (S nods happily). So, All’s Well That Ends Well. Let’s have another drink, take a break and then reconvene for our final session: The Triumph of the UEE!

All. (Happily). Clink, glug, squeak.

End of part 3