Sunday, April 24, 2005

The Ethel The Frog (ETF) Ecosystem

The Ethel The Frog fable from Monty Python's Flying Circus provides an exact metaphor for human misbehavior. This is from memory, I'm sure that aficionados will correct errors.

The ETF Ecosystem defines five levels of malfeasance, going from good to bad.

Spiny Norman - Very Good
A hedgehog who lives in a hangar at Luton Airport (like Newark but worse). Spiny varies between 12 feet and 200 yards long, and hunts Dinsdale Piranha by stalking him, Godzilla fashion, through the City of London. As he stalks, he growls "Dinsdale" in an irritated way.

Superintendent Harry 'Snapper' Organs - Good
A Scotland Yard copper who pursues the evil Piranha brothers in a series of disguises including one as Ratty from Wind in the Willows.

Victims - Mostly Harmless
Dinsdale nails the heads of male victims to floors, while female victims have their heads nailed to coffee tables. He also screws people's pelvises to cake stands. His victims consider Dinsdale to be "firm but fair". Doug's victims are grown men, see below, and are not available for comment.

Dinsdale Piranha - Bad
Dinsdale bribes the police to lend him a tank and a thermonuclear device for a fruitless assault on Spiny's hangar. The detonation causes a great deal of inconvenience in the Luton area. On the other hand Dinsdale takes his mother flowers and knows how to treat a female impersonator.

Doug Piranha - Very Bad
Grown men pull their own heads off rather than face Doug's brutal use of sarcasm, parody, double-entendres and satire.