Thursday, October 13, 2005

Headhacker Performance Review

Zawahiri's intercepted letter is an Annual Performance Review, in which he asks al Zarqawi to Stop Screwing Up. Like all APRs, it will have zero effect on al Zarqawi, but make Zawahiri feel better.

Anyone who has given or received APRs and/or seen Office Space will recognize the scenario - the Manager From Hell is handing out un-implementable Areas For Improvement, thus:

1. So aZ, to rule Iraq you'll need popular support from the Shias, and a pass from the US MSM. So you might start thinking about an outreach program to these folks, mkay?

2. Problem here, aZ,...killing torturing and maiming Shia women, kids and men, destroying their mosques and murdering their mullahs makes them mad at you. Maybe think about not doing this?

3. Um yeah...hacking the heads off captives on the Internet makes it a tad hard for the US MSM to pretend that Iraq will be OK when you take over. So aZ, take a look at the meaningful alternative of quietly shooting hostages in dark cellars, mkay?

4. I'd really love to help out, but it's the same ole same ole here - wall to wall huntings. Good luck and take care!

As in all APRs, there's nothing the subject can actually do to implement the AFIs. Poor al Zarqawi can't magic back his victims, or stop their fathers, sons, brothers, husbands & uncles from hunting him down, or delete all those snuff videos.

Someone should make a movie about this.