Monday, February 28, 2005

Tipping Point!


Lots happening, I don't have time or bandwidth to cover in detail, will fill what follows out with links in a couple of days.

The ordinary folks in the Arab world decided that what works for blue-fingered Iraqis should work fine for them.
1. Lebanese government
resigned & Syria now under huge popular pressure to pull out.
2. Israel held back after the suicide killings over the weekend, and fingered Syria
3. And the Palestinians have done a decent job stopping their own killers.
4. Syria dropped its sanctuary policy and handed over Saddam’s brother in law.
5. Mubarak in Egypt has agreed to free-ish elections.
6. Russians started the clock ticking to take the Iranian reactor down by
contracting to supply it with enriched Uranium - messy to whack it after it’s fuelled up.
7. The Saudis have said that they may give women the vote. OK, votes are for dogcatcher level, but it’s a start.

The defensive postures of Taiwan and Japan just got much better.
1. An Aegis cruiser with Raytheon's spiffy new Standard-3 missile
took down an IRBM warhead 2 minutes after launch. And the Navy plans to have the S-3 deployed on 18 ships by year-end. This removes the worry that nobody talks about – the vulnerability of US carriers to even small nuclear strikes. Now, the Chinese will be kept away from Taiwan. And Aegis cruisers 100 miles off the North Korean coast will shred any launches from that direction.
2. Japan got its “non-military” satellite launcher
back in business, which gives them their ballistic missile platform.

On the minus side, the British Army is self-destructing, confirming the Granita Tapes.
1. Its Commander-in-Chief apologized to the Iraqis for harming thieves caught stealing their food.
2. The Army is prosecuting another 50 soldiers, including an SAS trooper who killed a non-uniformed person in a firefight – I guess the news that the killers don’t wear uniforms hasn’t filtered through to London yet.

3. In contrast, the USMC won’t prosecute the Marine filmed killing the wounded Iraqi in Fallujah. And the cameraman that made a splash of it is in the Witness Protection Program.

So Sorry

For missing my first daily post since Foundation - Blogspot editor ate it, serves me right for not keeping a copy in Word. Too complicated to repost while on the road, but next post gives the highlights.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Tommy

Blair and his shameful officers lynched the NCOs, with 2 years jail, dismissal from the army, public disgrace & 1000 lashes. I made one of these up. Kipling says it all.

We aren't no thin red 'eroes, nor we aren't no blackguards too,
But single men in barricks, most remarkable like you;
An' if sometimes our conduck isn't all your fancy paints,
Why, single men in barricks don't grow into plaster saints;

While it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, fall be'ind",
But it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind,
There's trouble in the wind, my boys, there's trouble in the wind,
O it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind.

Friday, February 25, 2005

W's Excellent European Adventure


GWB seems to have made his points but not changed any weasel-minds. Pleased to see Chirac is sending 1 police person to Brussels to help the Iraqis. Friends in Germany report people were not pleased at the lockdown around Mainz for the visit, which caused massive inconvenience & disruption. Possibly payback for Mainzers bad taste in carnival imagery? Anyway, I've assured them he won't be back. Glad to see that the mediankritik and No Pasaran folks flew the flag there, with Erik schmoozing lady cops.

Apropos of which, didn't Condi look great in her neat outfit and boots?

Mark Steyn observes that mainland Europe is now pretty irrelevant to the march of history. But it's not all one way. Der Spiegel runs an excellent English language version that I've added to my sidebar. Under the heading "Could George W Bush be Right?" they run a neat comparison between Reagan and W.

It was difficult not to cringe during Reagan's speech in 1987. He didn't leave a single Berlin cliché out of his script. At the end of it, most experts agreed that his demand for the removal of the Wall was inopportune, utopian and crazy.

Yet three years later, East Germany had disappeared from the map. Gorbachev had a lot to do with it, but it was the East Germans who played the larger role. When analysts are confronted by real people, amazing things can happen. And maybe history can repeat itself. Maybe the people of Syria, Iran or Jordan will get the idea in their heads to free themselves from their oppressive regimes just as the East Germans did. When the voter turnout in Iraq recently exceeded that of many Western nations, the chorus of critique from Iraq alarmists was, at least for a couple of days, quieted. Just as quiet as the chorus of Germany experts on the night of Nov. 9, 1989 when the Wall fell.

Blogging from London


It's snowing on booming London. Here for a quick visit. Another crop of amazingly well executed bars and eateries. We now have 2 fishmongers wthin 5 minutes walk & an Organic Smoothie Specialist around the corner. Everything we want is delivered to our door, quickly & accurately. People from everywhere in the world shopping Oxford Street & working in the stores. Women in black burkas chatting on cellphones.

Everybody getting along in English sort of way. Nice.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Staying Alive in Blair's Army


Predictably, the seven officer "jury" has convicted the two NCOs. Further prosecutions of British combat soldiers are pending for battle-related incidents. The Daily Telegraph reports the mood of the ranks.

There is likely to be anger that none of the officers involved in the illegal operation to capture looters and "give them a hard time" faced any charges and that all have since been promoted.

While waiting to jump ship, NCOs and men should decline to take orders they consider suspect, citing the European Convention on Human Rights. Here are some words for the moment - I'll take advice and post better legalese ASAP.

You have ordered me to carry out acts that, in my opinion, may result in distress, harm or death, either to myself, to my colleagues or to others.

I understand that it is now British Army practice that my colleagues and I will be held liable for such consequences and that you will not; that my liability is indefinite; and that my liability will be determined by future political and legal developments that I cannot predict.

Accordingly, I assert my rights under Section I Articles 2, 3 and 5 of the European Convention on Human Rights and decline to comply with your order.

Signature:
Witnessed:
Date and time:

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Granita Tapes Meeting 3, Part 4: The Gloves Come Off


The Unholy European Empire

Editor’s Notes.


1. People of a nervous disposition and/or rat-lovers are advised not to read the horrifying account that follows.

2. It records the final part of the third secret summit between Tony Blair, Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder at the Granita Restaurant, Islington, London on 11 September 2004.

2. The session was recorded by a PicoBug entity representing the People and Tiny Entities Free Republic of Trinity College Cambridge (in England).

Schroeder. (Baring teeth). Tony, Jacques and I have some announcements to make. First, I must report that small surveillance devices from the Australian criminals have observed our previous meetings. I now order the EuroNanoKiller swarm to destroy them.

(Euro swarm descends on Australian NanoBugs and, after a lengthy battle – in Nano terms- succeeds in destroying all but one. The survivor escapes to the Trinity PicoBug entity, which - being Pico - is invisible to the Euros).

Chirac. (Looking weasel-like). Clear the room! (French and German security personnel enter room and make captive all the serving personnel, plus Howard, Blair’s house troll). And now, take that!!! (Stabs Gordon the rat with his steak knife, Gordon expires).

Schroeder. (Smiling triumphantly). We are now private and we will be brief. Tony, if you wish to leave this room alive you must unequivocally commit to a series of actions that will lock the UK permanently into the UEE.

Blair. (Blubbering). Bastards, you’ve killed Gordon! I’d agreed on everything anyway, that wasn't necessary! We were a team, and I though we were friends!

Chirac, Schroeder. (Laughing evilly). Fool! We are French, we are German. How can we be friends! We wish the destruction of everything your country stands for. Low taxes, liberty, kindness to animals, compromise, moderation, high trust, honesty. We kill people. You are an amateur!

Blair. (Shrugging weakly). But why don’t you just stay with the plan? That should get you the UEE!

Chirac. (Hitting table). Because it is a half measure and you are still bound by stupid English ideas of justice and fair play. We will now tell you what to do, and you will agree to do it. If you do not agree, you will get what Gordon got! And you will stay with us because we have recordings of all of our meetings and if they become public you will be ruined! (Ed: Bugger, I missed the EuroBugs, they were hiding in Chirac’s nostril hairs).

Blair. (Looking defeated). OK, tell me what you want.

Schroeder. (Standing up and walking behind Blair). The UEE will destroy the UK as an independent political entity. Why? Because the UK would otherwise be a permanent beacon to the UEE oppressed. In spite of all my country's efforts, the UK has again overtaken Germany and France economically. Your country is full of economic refugees from the UEE.

Chirac. (Looking evil). So the UK is like the West was to the Easy Germans (S winces). If we leave you to keep growing, UEE citizens will see you on their TVs and on the Internet. Getting richer, building new marvels, strengthening the hegemony of the English-speaking world. Living longer. Eating better. (Ed: rambles on at great length about all the nice things the Brits will do).

Schroeder. (Shaking Blair’s chair). But that will not happen! You will adopt Uniform Fair Taxation. (Ed: 60%). You will follow our Foreign Policy. You will cede control of your armed forces to us. You will adopt Civil Law (Ed: Continental law which dispenses with presumption of innocence and trial by jury). You will eject all American troops. You will shut down Fylingdales (Ed: Anglo-American missile defense radar in Yorkshire). You will transfer the City of London to Frankfurt. You will join the Euro, transferring all your overseas assets to the ECB. (Ed: European Central Bank). Did I cover it all Jacques?

Chirac. (Nibbling at remnant of Gordon). You forgot the abdication of the Queen, the movement of all UK defense forces to Germany under UEE control and their replacement in the UK with French and German troops.

Blair. (Looking pale). OK, OK, nothing we haven’t agreed! Why the drama!

Schroeder. (Leaning forward and hissing in Blair’s face). Because It Will Not Happen Unless You Make It!!! The British will not allow it, because it goes against 400 years of their history. You cannot do this by being clever and spinning. You will have to be as brutal, criminal and unscrupulous as we are!

Chirac. (Looking decisive) So, here are your orders. 1. Isolate your people from the Americans, and vice versa, so they can see no help. 2. Destroy your people’s self-belief and 3. Rig the vote on the so-called EU Constitution so that it passes.

Schroeder. (Sitting down, seizing Blair’s hand and dislocating one of his fingers). You have done well with the Americans. By supporting them in Iraq you have bought political capital. You must now cash that in and have Bush urge your people to vote for the constitution. (Blair whimpers, “Ow, Rumsfeld!”)

Chirac. (Seizing other Blair hand and dislocating another finger). Our forcing a British terrorist onto an American plane in Paris has ensured that every Briton now entering America is treated like a felon - as you were! Those that still visit and those scared of going will see America not as a second home but as a police state. To prevent any risk of the Americans relaxing this regime for their allies (S laughs), you will ensure that another terrorist event takes place, again with a British citizen. Understand!

Blair. (Tucks hands under arms, nods miserably).

Schroeder. (Smiling thinly). So now you must make the Americans truly hate the British. We will leave it to you to decide which of the many options you follow. You may wish to consider sponsoring a UN resolution designating America a terrorist state.

Blair. (Brightening up). Easy! Willy Wanker (Ed: Affectionate Brit name for the 42nd President of the United States) entertained and sponsored the IRA. Kennedy (Ed: The One That Drowned the Girl) funded them. Bush invites their top brass to St Patrick’s Day parades. I can just publish the pictures of the people they mutilated & killed. Including the soldiers (Ed: 719, which adjusted for population is 2,800, over double US losses to date in Iraq).

Chirac. (Looking threatening). Good, just make it happen! Now you must break your people. Not that it matters for the election, but because afterwords we want them to stay broken and avoid the need for repressive measures that may spiral out of control…

Schroeder. (Rapping on Blair’s head with his fork). You will destroy all remnants of trusted institutions. First, to demoralize the Army you will keep up your stream of prosecutions of combat soldiers (Blair nods)! You will ensure that your land-owning class are killed while attempting to assert their rights to hunt foxes! You will introduce homosexual counseling for 6 year olds! You will not shut down the BBC! You will ensure that your police persecute only motorists! You will require that your judges free all terrorists and will not give custodial sentences to criminals! You will fill your House of Lords with your own placemen. You will ensure extensive and visible corruption at all levels of government! You will arrest dissenters using your MoD police and VAT teams!

Blair. (Popping fingers back and looking brighter). But I’m doing all of that, what’s the fuss about. Ow! (Chirac nails his hand to the table).

Chirac. (Snarling). Because you will soon face serious resistance. And you must crush it! Understand, crush it! As we did in Algeria - 4 million dead! You are not a cruel man, but you must become one! You will have to kill and imprison many of your countrymen and break many laws. You have to fix that referendum, so that a) it passes and b) your population is too demoralized to question ever again its absorption into the UEE. (Un-nails Blair's hand).

Blair. (Shuddering), let me think. (Wanders around room watched carefully by C, S and five BND agents (Ed: German intelligence), returns, sits down). OK, you’re right, I have no choice.

Chirac, Schroeder. (Smiling grimly). Then say what you must say!

Blair. (Looking grey). Let me assure you, my masters, that the UEE shall always have in me a faithful and grateful servant. (Ed: Now who last said that?).

Schroeder. (Looking menacing). Good, now go to do what you must. We expect weekly progress reports and will meet here again on February 1, 2005 for a face-to-face progress report. Which had better be good! Now go and get medical attention!

Blair (Sniffling). It will be as you instruct, masters. (Exits, stumbling).

Chirac. (Looking contemptuous). Useless bastard.

Schroeder. (Looking Teutonic). Subhuman.

(Trinity Pico swarm departs to mother ship).

End of part 4 and end of meeting

Back the The Wall, W!


The President meets Schroeder in the infamous town of Mainz today. As well as following the above advice, we hope he has a good supply of these for handshakes with the local pols.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Army Show Trial Judge Speaks Truth!

The judge in the Brit Army show trial of junior NCOs hints to the jury of 7 officers that it's all about Tony. He says.

The Prime Minister...had "not had the benefit of hearing all the arguments for both sides"

The consequences of their verdict…should not concern them.

Nor should they be influenced by "considerations of what is in the best interests of Her Majesty's Armed Forces".

Good man! This trial is entirely about Blair's image. Without the publication of photographs he would never have got involved & it would have been settled in the time honored way with black marks for the officers in the chain of command & bollocking for the men. As in Germany in 1944./45 - when captured SS troops and concentration camp guards got rather more than hazing - and in the string of counter-insurgency wars since then.

The judge correctly hints that the Brit Army will be damaged by making these men scapegoats. HM Armed Forces are watching this trial. And familes with members dead (84) or mutilated (790). They all have votes, too.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Granita Tapes Meeting 3, Part 3: The Syranian Wars


Editor’s Notes.

1. The third secret summit between Tony Blair, Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder took place at the Granita Restaurant, Islington, London on 11 September 2004.

2. An Australian NanoBug swarm (Brisbane U. Computational Entity) recorded the meetings in conjunction with...

3. a previously undetected PicoBug entity representing the People and Tiny Entities Free Republic of Trinity College Cambridge (in England). It used novel technology based on adaptive modular atomic structures derived from Strings found in a Chinese bicycle clip. OK, it’s a long story; I’ll cover it in more detail separately.

4. Topics discussed at the meeting were:
* The US Presidential Election (previous post)
* Iraq (last post)
* The Syranian Wars (this post)
* Unholy European Empire Project.

Blair. (Triumphantly feeding a snack of Polenta to the Rat, which is sitting fatly next to his plate). Well done Gordon! (Ed: Rat named after Blair’s competitor, the Finance Minister). Jacques: thanks for the transfer of Total Group (Ed: Formerly TotalFinaElf) to Royal Dutch Shell! (Chirac miserably picks white fluffy cat remnants off suit). And Gerhard, I appreciate your gift of the consumer division of Siemens to Dyson! (Schroeder glumly removes disheveled gray squirrel fragments from hairpiece).

Blair. (Reviewing the two documents). Yees, that seems perfectly in order. (Handing papers to flunky). Just pop that round to Credit Suisse will you Howard? And don’t forget you’ll need your ID! (Flunky tugs non-existent forelock & departs). Now, moving on to the Syranian Wars, what are our thoughts?

Chirac. (Running hands over leathery jowls and raising eyebrows). We lost the first war in 1983, when we and the Americans withdrew from the Lebanon after Syranian suicide bombers used the largest non-nuclear explosions ever to kill 58 of our troops and 241 Americans Marines.

Schroeder. (Narrowing eyes). We appeased them until the Americans stirred up Iraq, and then they started the same game there. The Americans have better tactics, weapons and technology now, so the bombs are smaller. But the Syranians have been developing primitive nukes for some years & they’ll use them as soon as they get them. In Iraq, as super-IEDs (Ed: Improvised Explosive Devices, a rare Syranian invention).

Chirac. (Raising hands dramatically). Of course they’ll claim that the weapons were stolen from Russia by Sunnis, and nothing to do with them.

Blair. (Looking grim). And Dobby (Ed: Affectionate Brit name for President Putin) will swear blind it wasn’t anything to do with Russia, and blame the Ukrainians.

Schroeder. (Looking sneaky). But we’ll have the weapon fingerprint (Ed: Nuclear weapons leave distinct isotope residues & American drones will have identified the Syranian pattern). And then the British, the Americans, and the Shitty Little Country (Ed: French term for Israel) will destroy the 24 Syranian nuclear development sites.

Chirac. (Looking more sneaky). Which the Syranians will have prepared for, as we do, by hiding backup facilities under hospitals, day care centers, kindergartens etc!

Blair. (Looking boyishly grim). Then in retaliation the Syranians will truck nukes to anywhere they can reach by road. The Israelis will stage a lockdown, which should work. So the trucks will head for Europe. Maybe Frankfurt, or Paris, or by container to Cyprus. Even to London if they can disguise themselves as illegal immigrants! (All cackle weakly).

Schroeder. (Looking incisive). We don’t want that to happen. We have to shut the Syranians down before they can pull the trigger. The Americans and we three have slowed them by playing Bad Cop/Good Cop. And the Americans have used the delay to comprehensively survey Syranian assets and the regimes’ “bad actors”.

Chirac. (Raising eyebrows 12” and spreading hands). But we cannot track all these bad actors! The Syranian entities are Mafia states! Not just a totalitarian President, or a crowd of Mullahs. But also their entire extended families plus the extended families of their security apparatuses. Between them they own everything in Syran! Every individual in those networks is at least a millionaire, and the Godfathers are billionaires! We’d have to find and kill perhaps 100,000 Very Rich Persons!

Blair, Schroeder. (Brightening up). And the problem is???

Chirac. (Holding hands out, raising eyebrows 8"). We can’t track that many! And if we don’t kill them all, they’ll be back to their old tricks in no time! Remember your Machiavelli!

Blair. (Looking knowledgeable). Oh, but I know all about tracking. We have some boffins (Ed: Brit elite term for non-elite clever people) building tiny bugs at Trinity College Cambridge – you know Jacques, the 1,000-person college with as many Nobel prizes as France - (C winces).

Blair. (Looking sad) Unfortunately I’ve been making them take on Oiks (Ed: Brit term for not very clever persons) as students (Ed: I hasten to add only since 1997). And I’ve cut their funding, so they don’t have decent equipment. I’ve even forced their professors to use inferior imported bicycle clips. (Ed: Aha, light dawns!). So, you’re right, they won’t help us.
(Affirmative PicoJeer from the P&TEFRoTCC PicoBug).

Schroeder. (Looking pensive). So we need a quick solution that a) has the Americans do all the heavy lifting and b) is no risk to us. Let’s review the data.

Chirac. (Looking French). First, since we are thinking of war, we should think of ourselves. I ask you, what leverage do the Syranians have over us as individuals. I don’t mean our supplying WSMD to Hussein and them; we can always blame the companies that did it. I mean (rubs thumb and index finger of right hand together).

(All look pensive for 10 minutes, ticking points off on fingers and toes).

Chirac. (Smiling). I’m OK; Kofi will take the fall for Oil for Palaces.

Schroeder. (Laughing). And I’m OK, I can blame the CDU for the nukes. (B, C widen eyes).

Blair (Grinning boyishly). And I’m OK, I have an official fall person, name of Prescott, I can blame him for all the Mullahs I’ve let in to the UK.

Chirac. (Thoughtfully lighting 2 Gauloises). Excellent, so let us proceed. First, the essential facts. Iran is rich nation of 67 million, but all the wealth is in the hands of the Families. 65% of the population is under 25 and there is 18% unemployment, even worse than France and Germany.

Blair. (Laughing smugly). Sounds explosive to me!

Schroeder. (Combing eyebrows uncomfortably). But (as in France and Germany!) the guns and money are held by the, er, rulers. So if the students revolt, they will lose. Think Tienanmen Square. And the Families have substantial numbers of armed men, who don’t wear hairnets like ours do Tony! (Ed: Brit urban legend about German Army, which would be quite good if it wasn’t full of conscripts).

Blair. (Looking boyishly thoughtful). So, we're saying we will Prepare The Battlefield for the Young Persons to have a successful revolution! Then we just take the nukes away, as the Americans have done with the Russians? (Ed: Actually they’ve made a mess of it, but that’s another story).

Chirac. (Smacking hand on table, being nipped by Gordon the Rat). Ow! I mean exactly! So we see three stages: 1) take away their money; 2) track, identify & publicize the bad actors and 3) assist the revolutionaries in decapitating the Old Regime. You can see why France will have a major role!

Schroeder. (Looking German). To cut off the money, we take down the Families’ overseas assets and stop them traveling. Assets are in Switzerland, France and UK, correct? (B and C nod). Now that Switzerland has rolled over (Ed: Swiss now provide full details of private bank accounts to UEE governments), So I can shut the Swiss down, and of course Jacques can similarly throttle the French part (C nods).

Blair. (Looking earnestly boyish). They have substantial assets in London, including high-end houses. We can freeze those. Will dent Westminster house prices though. But I’ll get Gordon (no, not you Ratty!) to cut interest rates for householders in W1 and W2 (Ed: Gooood).

Chirac. (Looking evil). So now the Families will be poor. Their cars are old, they can’t get cosmetic surgery for themselves or their concubines & so they’ll feel old, and they can’t shop at Harrods so they'll have last year’s fashions, so they’ll look old.

Schroeder. (Laughing). Then we start OMWGM: Operation Most Wanted Goat Molester! With American surveillance assets, we identify the bad actors and publicize their names and locations on the Internet!. Tony can you arrange the web bit, say through Amnesty? They’ve been keeping a good eye on the Syranians.

Blair. (Glancing fondly at Rat). Consider it done, squire. We’ll arrange good cyber-defenses to keep the website up of course - the MoD (Ed: Brit Ministry of Defence) has contracted with of a couple of Israeli 14 year-olds. (Ed: Israeli teen hooliganism consists of taking down Hamas websites – tsk, tsk).

Chirac. (Smiling creepily). So now we have shut down and identified the bad actors, and we move to the final stage: decapitation. We’ve agreed that Tony will cease to be Loyal Ally. Rummy won’t come all the way to Europe to nail his head – he hates everywhere outside of Virginia (Ed: Understandably). So Tony’s OK as long as he doesn’t go to the US.

Blair. (Looking rueful). Which I certainly won’t! Last time I visited George, their immigration people insisted on taking my picture and fingerprints. Said they’d be holding them on an INS database for only 30 years! Only! (S and C groan “Not The INS!” bury heads in hands). And when I got home 20 credit cards had been opened in my name & used to buy $2 million of crack cocaine!

Blair. (Continuing manfully). Soo, to edge out as Loyal Ally, I'll have my man Straw (Ed: ex-commie Foreign Minister) whine about how it’s all very difficult and we mustn’t upset the Syranians. In fact he’ll do that whatever I say. (S, C Sympathetic grunts).

Chirac. (Smilingly). With Tony out, I will become the Loyal Ally. Remember 1789! (Blair looks irritated). Remember 1944 (Schroeder looks irritated). And of course our troops did suffer together in the Lebanon.

Blair, Schroeder (Looking caring). Too true, France should get first whack!

Chirac. (Evilly stubbing out Gauloise). I will volunteer our Foreign Legion (Ed: Decent bit of French Army). With them, the American Marines and SEALs & Australian SAS can helicopter in and make bad actors go Pouf! (Blair looks nervous). I mean bang! Of course it needs many helicopters, close air support, 24*7 anti-tank cover and air defense suppression, MOABs (Ed: Big area-denial weapons), and many drones. But the Americans have all of that.

Schroeder. (Laughing in a Bavarian sort of way). So with the “bad actors” moved “off the stage” (pauses for laughter, B & C sigh), the students will rise up! The Syranian armies will be toast, well actually more a sort of Crepe, curly at the edges and.., where was I? Ah, yes, so the Young Persons’ revolution will succeed! And the French will be heroes!

Blair (Looking uneasy). Er, maybe I should stay America’s Loyal Ally as well! I mean the SAS (Ed: Brit special forces, v good) is the only decent military I have left, and they’ll make my life hell if I keep them out!

Schroeder, Chirac. (Looking transparently wily). But Tony, you told us you wanted out… (Blair reaches for Rat)… OK, OK. Tony, put the Rat on the floor, walk away from the Rat… you can do whatever you wish!

Blair. (Stroking Gordon while smiling chirpily). So that’s it then! Exit Syranian bad actors; welcome some sort of freedom for the people. And we all win. I mean Gerhard; at least some of them will want S-Classes! (S nods happily). So, All’s Well That Ends Well. Let’s have another drink, take a break and then reconvene for our final session: The Triumph of the UEE!

All. (Happily). Clink, glug, squeak.

End of part 3

The Unholy European Empire: It's War!


In a surprise move, Gandalf and his legions have declared war on the Unholy European Empire, AKA the EU.

Gandalf is shocked, shocked that the Portuguese have rewarded their paymasters by voting for the statist EU Constitution. However, it's a reminder to dig up the flintlocks, sharpen the bayonets, polish the IEDs, tweak the DoS worms & generally prepare for the Brit referendum next year.

This war against a heavily entrenched and corrupt elite will be long and arduous. There will be setbacks and times when all will seem lost. But we will prevail, as Anglos always have.

As part of which, Gandalf welcomes EU Serf as an excellent information consolidator. Helmet tip Giles.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

The Democrat Memetic Plague


I mentioned dysfunctional Dems a while back & the evidence keeps rolling in. Look at the poor bastard the lefties drummed out of his press job. His crimes? He's gay, he's posted rude pictures of himself, he was an escort. And he didn't ask hostile questions in White House press briefings.

What's great is his dignity and moral clarity.

“I’ve made mistakes in my past,” he said yesterday. “Does my past mean I can’t have a future? Does it disqualify me from being a journalist?”

Good man, he'll be fine. But how do the lefties ignore their killers, liars & crooks? An interesting data point is hidden in this this lefty test, mentioned by Tim Blair. Drilling it to externalize its rules, I find that it will only flag you as a Bush voter if you believe:

"All People Are Fundamentally Bad".

That's what they say their enemies think, so by the usual transference rules that shows what they actually think of themselves. Good judges.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Syran, Syranians: First Use


Just occurred to me I have invented two new English words.

1. Syran , which means the combination of the nations of Syria and Iran

2. Syranian, which is an inhabitant of either of these nations.

Google finds no use other than 2 typos for Syrians, plus a species of tiny hamster (mmm, yummy).

So, I assert first use. That's all - let the world decide if they are useful, and use them as it may.

Gandalf

Granita Tapes Meeting 3, Part 2: Iraq


Editor’s Notes.

1. The third secret summit between Tony Blair, Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder took place at the Granita Restaurant, Islington, London on 11 September 2004.

2. An Australian NanoBug swarm (Brisbane U. Computational Entity, or BRUCE) recorded the meetings in conjunction with...

3. a previously undetected PicoBug entity representing the People and Small Entities Free Republic of Trinity College Cambridge, England. It used novel technology based on adaptive modular atomic structures derived from Strings found in a Chinese bicycle clip. OK, it’s a long story; I’ll cover it in more detail separately.


4. Topics discussed at the meeting were:
* The US Presidential Election (see last post)
* Iraq (this post)
* The wider situation in the Middle East
* Progress toward the Unholy European Empire.

Blair. (Patting hair). Let’s us move on to What To Do About Iraq. OK, Gerhard, would you like to put down that comely waitperson and start with your analysis?

Schroeder. (Adjusting ruffled hairpiece while keying phone number into mobile). Ahem, yes, Iraq. Well, the Americans are prevailing. Of course their media says otherwise, but, as the British say, “They Would Wouldn’t They.” (Ed: Expression is too complicated to explain). My Intel people use the "Chicago Test". If Iraq had the same per capita murder rate as Chicago, 13 people would be killed each day.

Chirac. (Lighting Gauloise and narrowing leathery eyes). Exactly! And on average the number actually being killed is less than 13. Regarding American deaths, our sources say the Americans are killing over 100 for every loss of their own. This is not good for the Syranians, or "Insurgents", as the New York Times calls them. (All giggle cynically).

Blair. (Looking manly yet boyish). We see the US Army and Marine Corps units in Iraq as now top quality - all the dross has been quietly shipped out. Their NCOs, junior and mid level officers are first rate. Much better than ours (looks glum and yet pleased). And of course they have massive air power and lots of artillery, which they’ve integrated into the close support role.

Schroeder. (Narrowing eyes to thin slits). So now we expect a successful assault on Fallujah, with high Syranian, er Insurgent (laughter) casualties.

Blair. (Looking boyishly penitent). Well, I hope they are successful, because Fallujah is our fault!

Chirac, Schroeder. (Eyebrows raised 10 and 2 inches respectively). Huh? Didn’t the US Army wind it up in 2003?

Blair. (Looking even more boyishly penitent). Yes and no. The reason the locals were mad in 2003 was because, back in the Gulf war, a RAF plane dropped a bomb into the middle of their marketplace, killing lots of them. Apparently some silly sod pointed the laser thingy in the wrong place.So, when the Americans asked for backup for the assault, I decided we Brits ought to give it. (C & S look bemused).

Blair. (Continuing). So, I asked my Army Top Brass for the best regiment in the Army to back the Americans up, and they told me the Black Watch. Jocks you know (Ed: English term for Scottish people).


Chirac. (Looking acute). I see, tough men, like Begbie in Trainspotting?

Schroeder. (Looking pensive). Yes, our Wehrmacht feared the Scottish soldiers - "Devils in Skirts", they called them!

Blair. (Looking rueful). Well, that's what I thought. Then I had their CO to Number 10 for a pep talk. Expected, you know, Braveheart. Total disappointment. Looked like he came from Dorking (Ed: Highly un-Scottish part of England). Said that he couldn't help the Americans because it was risky and he was bound by HASAWA (Ed: Brit Health & Safety At Work Act).

Chirac, Schroeder. (Looking supportive). Awful, awful, what did you do.

Blair. (Looking manly). Well I just ordered him to do it. And the little sod said "Weel, on your ain heed be it", and sent emails to the Press saying it wasn't his fault and what a brute I was.

Chirac. (Looking evil). So, it's (makes neck wringing gesture) for the Man from Dorking, right?

Blair. (Looking vicious). Well, hopefully the silly sod will get shot anyway. If he goes there that is, he was talking about remote-commanding via a video link from Dalkeith last time I looked. Anyway, back to to Big Picture...

Chirac. (Looking pleased). And so, although Kofi is working hard to buy the Syranians time, we expect that the Iraqi election will go ahead on January 30th. Before then of course we will see the Afghan election, which our people there expect to go well.

Blair. (Looking trustworthy). So, it seems that both elections will proceed. My chaps expect turnouts in both to be better than I got in the last UK election! (Ed: in Brit 2001 election, turnout was 58%, lowest since 1918). Of course we’ll have boycotts and so on, but our experience in years of cocking up colonial constitutions is, just leave them to it - they'll sort it out.

Schroeder. (Smiling fatly). As you did with us! Boycotters always come to the table once they’re about to be marginalized! For the same reason, I don’t see them splitting the country into into three, in spite of the ridiculous setup the British foisted on them.

Blair. (Shrugging and grinning). Not me, Guv!

Chirac. (Looking solemnly French). But the Syranians will keep on killing until they are eliminated. Which an elected government will do much better than the Americans. Because they know who the Insurgents (more laughter) are and where they live! (B, S: Cries of Damascus! Tehran!) And because any they capture will long for the safety of Abu Gharib! (Makes testicle squeezing gesture, evil chortles all round).

Blair. (Looking decisive). Right, so the Americans win this round. Where does that leave us?

Chirac. (Smiling evilly and stroking the Fluffy White Cat). France will come out well. We can provide all sorts of help for the elected regime. Like details of numbered bank accounts at BNP Paribas (Ed: Dodgy French bank - sorry, oxymoron!), and Who Got What out of Oil for Food. Not all names of course! (B & S snigger). So I think we’ll soon have plenty of nice arms and oil contracts.

Schroeder. (Looking sad, stroking Disheveled Gray Squirrel). We’ll do less well. We lose our WSMD contracts, since they just won’t need super-SCUDS. The elite prefers Chevrolet Tahoes to Mercs (Ed: quite right too, 4WD Tahoe LT beats a Merc S any day). But their kids will want BMWs. And their wives will want decent kitchen stuff from Miele & Bosch.

Blair. (Looking very sad, stroking Threadbare Blackish Rat). And we’ll be sort of fine. Lots of regime outings to Harrods, work for Control Risks (Ed: don't ask). ...Actually, we’re going to get way less than you two! And we paid out a bundle to actually fight the war. Bloody hell, as usual Frog n Jerry win!

Schroeder, Chirac. (Laughing, laughing). We did warn you! Never mind, you can be bad guy over the Syranian wars (Ed: in next post), and one of us will be the Loyal Ally. You should make out like a bandit there. Think of all that oil, all those Persian carpets in your Palace!

Blair. (Looking moodily out at rain soaked street, empty except for 100 armed guards). Yees. Anyway, we now need to consider the impact of a reasonably stable and democratic Iraq on the rest of the region, in particular the Syranians. Before that, I suggest a pit stop. Speaking of which, how are our PSAs holding up?

(Ed. Boring – to under 50s - discussion about manly ailments).

End of Part 2


Japan and Taiwan


Gandalf earlier forecast that the main result of North Korean nukes would be a) Japan support for Taiwan, and b) them developing much nastier nukes. Stage a) just happened.

The London Daily Telegraph reports today:

A leaked draft declaration by US and Japanese ministers disclosed yesterday that Tokyo for the first time will join Washington in identifying security in the straits dividing China and the island democracy of Taiwan as "a common strategic objective".

Watch for the next shoe to drop & expect some really creative trigger designs.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Granita Tapes Meeting 3, Part 1: The US Election

Editor’s Notes.

1. The third secret summit between Tony Blair, Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder took place at the Granita Restaurant, Islington, London on 11 September 2004.

2. An Australian NanoBug swarm, which has only now surfaced after supposedly going on Fosters (TM) walkabout, made the recording.

3. Topics discussed were:
* The US Presidential Election
* Iraq
* The wider situation in the Middle East
* Progress towards the Unholy European Empire

4. To allow for the slow translation from French -> Strine -> English, each of the four topics of the meeting is covered in a separate post.

Part 1: The US Election

Blair. (Smiling oilily). OK, I’m rotating chairman; so Gerhard: welcome to my humble Eagle’s Lair; Jacques welcome to Vichy-sur-Thames!

Chirac, Schroeder. (Groan).

Chirac (Brightening up). The BA flight was excellent – Air France was on strike. It’s great, on BA - you get your own seat, they feed you and nobody swears at you!

Schroeder. (Smiling lugubriously). Of course I flew incognito on Lufthansa (Ed: Acronym for Let Us Fondle The Hostesses And Not Say Anything). And it was sooo good to walk straight through the EU Citizens Fast Immigration Lane past all those Australians, New Zealanders & Americans waiting in the Foreign Alien Bastards Very Slow Lane.


(Ed. NanoBugs make rude nanocomments about absence of queues at Gallipoli etc.)

Blair. (Brightly). Goody, well let’s move to our first topic, What To Do About The US Election, due in less than 2 months. I suggest our usual round-robin with objective assessment, then proposal. Gerhard?

Schroeder. (Ponderously). I suspect we are all in agreement about the players. My PsyWar people have profiled President Bush and their conclusion is that he is highly consistent. He is physically fit – more so than any of us. As a young man he successfully piloted one of the many unstable fighter planes the US produced at that time. (Ed: pauses to sob incoherently something about F-104s, widow makers etc.)

Chirac. (Encouragingly). Let me continue with my people’s results, we agree so far. Bush has the strong self-discipline of the reformed alcoholic. He is self-confident and positive in outlook. In consequence of his previous business interests and Governorship, he is an experienced manager. By which I mean that he has wasted an enormous amount of other people’s money.

Blair. (Boyishly). Crikey, that’s what my lot say too. What do your boffins (Ed: nerds) say about me?

Schroeder, Chirac (Nervously, waving arms). Oh, nothing important, don’t bother your pretty head! Hey, what are you using on the hair now?

(Ed: Blair is diverted into a discussion of the relative merits of Rogaine v Finisterade).

Blair. (Confusedly). Where were we. Oh yes, let’s see - John Kerry. My Foreign Office tells me that he will be unpredictable as President. He is less fit than any of us (only does girly things like wind-surfing). He is elitist, pro-European, anti-American and very wealthy. Mind you, my FO is all gay, so they may just fancy him less than Bush.

Chirac. (Frowning, lighting Gauloise). But my Intel people say the same, and, of course, Frenchmen are not gay. They also tell me that Kerry is probably not a war hero, in fact quite the contrary, so is eminently bribe-able by those with evidence. Which we have from the North Vietnamese.

Schroeder. (Clapping hands, delightedly). My people say all of this too! Plus Kerry has no managerial experience. He's only been a lawyer and a politician, like you and me Tony. So he’d mess up as much as we have!

All. (Nodding wisely). To true, too true.

Blair (Frowning while pouring drink). So, on the one hand we have a consistent man with whom we all violently disagree, and on the other a weak man who thinks we’re great, will mess up America, and who we can easily manipulate. So it’s a no-brainer who we support.

All. (Raising glasses in toast). George W Bush!

Chirac. (Holding up one finger). Because we can predict Bush, whereas Kerry could do anything to prove his manhood, like start a serious war!

Schroeder. (Holding up two fingers). Because if we can bribe him, so can anyone else!

Blair. (Holding up three fingers). And finally because without a strong US economy, Europe is in the toilet!

All. (Cheerily). (Clink glasses, drink several toasts.)

Chirac. (Raising eyebrows 4 inches). Of course Bush will be re-elected anyway. The economy is good and he’s a wartime president. Kerry can only muster the people outside the market economy: bureaucrats, teachers, public workers, welfare recipients, etc. Not enough.

Blair (Looking earnestly boyish, again). But we can help. I can obviously be the Good Ally, which suits me fine a) because I am in a funny sort of way, I like the guy, but b) because I don’t want Rumsfeld to nail my head to the floor again (sniffs and others wince sympathetically). How can you chaps help?

Schroeder. (Leaning forward conspiratorially) Well, I’ve already told Kerry – quite off the record – that he has my full support. He’s bound to brag about it. Plus I’ll have one of my ministers say that with Kerry as President, we’ll help in Iraq (which we can’t of course). Should be worth one point for Bush.

Chirac. (Holding hands wide apart in French sort of way). And France will do her bit. I have convinced my friend Kofi to mount a last minute assault. He’ll tell the BBC that the Iraq war was illegal. Since all Americans think he’s a crook (all laugh nastily), that’s another point to Bush. And, with the help of the New York Times, he’s going to mount a last minute surprise about missing explosives.

Blair. (Laughing boyishly). Excellent, excellent, easily another point for W! And Rumsfeld will add a few more heads to his box, hey hey. And….

Chirac, Schroeder. (Excitedly). Yes, yes?

Blair (Expansively). I will use the nuclear option.

Chirac, Schroeder. (Feigning terror). You don’t mean…?

Blair. (Standing up, arms spread). Yes, The Guardian!

Chirac, Schroeder. (Laughing nervously). No, no, anything but the Guardian!

Blair. (Giggling madly). Anything? Yes, I’ve persuaded the prat (Ed. English term for Alan Rusbridger) that runs it of a cunning plan. As we know, Ohio is a key swing state. Sooo..

Chirac, Schroeder. (Widening eyes). Yes, yes?

Blair. (Fiendishly). The Guardian is going to have its readers write letters to voters in the key Ohio county. Giving all the left-wing-Guardian-elite’s reasons why they should vote against Bush and for Kerry!

Chirac, Schroeder. (Rolling on floor). Fiendish, fiendish, almost inhumanly clever. That’ll deliver the state to Bush, no problems.

Chirac, Schroeder. (Getting up, looking nervous). Er now Tony, you aren’t thinking of doing anything that horrible to us are you?

Blair. (Looking transparently honest). Noo, noo…

Chirac. (Looking frightened). Because I don’t think France could take it. Not a letter from the Guardian. I mean we’re a proud and resilient nation, but (Ed: blathers on about 1000s of years of adversity, Agincourt, Crecy etc. etc.)

Schroeder. (Kneeling, with pleading expression on homely features). And please Tony, not Germany. We are a young, fragile democracy. We can only take so much. Whatever happens...not the Guardian!

Blair. (Leaning back, looking expansive). Don’t Worry! We’re Friends! As soon as I’m President-for-Life of the UEE, all my pre-addressed letters to Rusbridger will be destroyed. You have my word as an Englishman, er Scotsman, on that!

Chirac, Schroeder. (Looking only somewhat reassured). OK, fine, good.

Blair. (Standing up, boyishly). So, let us drink to the re-election of G W Bush, the 44th President of the United States of America!
(Clinking of glasses, evil laughter).


End of first session.

Power Without Responsibility


Two news stories today confirm the Brit Army leadership's consistency in granting its officers the Harlot's Prerogative. They exonerate the officers responsible for soldiers alleged to have hazed captives. And they exonerate officers that get their men killed.

The first story reports on the final statements in the trial of British NCOs for hazing Iraqi looters. The defense contends that the mens' commanding officer ordered the prisoners be "thrashed" or "beasted". But that can't be true because the Army has already exonerated him.

The prosecutor urged the (officer-only) military jury...not to be swayed by the "shocking and appalling" pictures they were being shown.

Pictures were of looters being threatened, tied up, simulating gay sex, hoisted by fork lifts. Presumably these officers-of-the-jury have not seen combat, otherwise they'd have a rather higher bar for "shocking and appalling". Like being left, defenceless, to die at the hands of a mob.

The second story is about just that. In June 2003, an Iraqi mob killed 6 Military Policemen (MPs). The heavily armed mob objected to 1 Bn Parachute Regiment's use of dogs to search for weapons, so attacked them. The well armed Paras shot their way out, but hours later found that they'd left the lightly armed MPs to the mercy of the mob. Which had killed them. Which raises the question. Who the fucking hell was in charge of Force Protection? Rest assured chaps.

"The Ministry of Defence said no officers would be disciplined in connection with the incident".

My grandfather and his comrades will be rotating in their graves.

Hail Harmful Competition!


A recent post in Samizdata flagged the low cost of importing stuff to the UK. My experience here in the Sunny Southern EU adds a sobering caveat: elsewhere in the EU, it's way cheaper to import from the US than it is from the UK.

After Amazon.co.uk messed up its inventory over Christmas, I reverted to buying some books from Amazon.com. Without checking costs, just to avoid .co.uk's unpredicted multi- week delays. Today I cranked up Excel to compare the 2 suppliers.

It turns out that, to this part of the EU, shipping costs from Amazon.com are just 25% of shipping costs from Amazon.co.uk! The big difference is shipping and handling, although .co.uk also charges 5% VAT. However, shipping from the US takes a week longer.

Based on this, I'm defaulting to .com, except for rush orders, or shipment to my UK lair.

Here are the numbers for 2 books just received. All costs are in £ - for Amazon.com I use the actual charges on my £ credit card (i.e. including Visa's exchange fees). Sorry aboiut the crap layout, this editor doesn't seem to do tables.

Book 1
Source: Amazon.com
Weight (grams): 400
Package: Amazon single
Base Cost: 5.96
Shipping, handling + tax: 3.07
Time from ship notify to arrival (days): 14

Book 2
Source: Amazon.co.uk
Weight (grams): 430
Package: Amazon single
Book price: 15.99
Shipping, handling + tax: 11.17 (inc 5% VAT)
Time from ship notify to arrival (days): 5

Book 1 was a high quality paperback & Book 2 a modest quality hardback, so don't read too much into the price of the books (other than that the £ is way overvalued against the $).

Thursday, February 17, 2005

The Al-Greenpeace Martyr's Brigade: Competition!


The London Times reports the debut of the Al-Greenpeace Martyr's Brigade.

Invading the trading floor of the London International Petroleum Exchange, they had the crap beaten out of them by irate traders. Injuries but no fatalities yet, so the 83 Greenpeace Virgins remain unmolested.

Greenpeace needs our help, so Gandalf is sponsoring a competition to chose their next operation. This competition is modeled on the format pioneered by Giles. Prize TBD.

To get things rolling, here are three suggestions.

1. The brigade invades the cubes of a software development team at 11 PM on Release Day, pounding on keyboards & shouting "Komputers Kill Kyoto".

2. The brigade lies down across the track during the Fosters Australian Grand Prix (3-6 March), shouting "Kyoto Mean No Moto".

3. Survivors forms a human chain preventing access to the bar during the England/Scotland 6 Nation game at Twickenham on March19th, shouting "Rugby Is For Poofs".

PS, Sorry, the last one was just gratuitous violence.
PPS The US A-G MB plans to invade Donut shops in New York City, stomping their wares, shouting "Krispy Kreme Kills Kyoto".

Another Granita Tape!


We have the tape of the secret Blair/Chirac/Schroeder meeting on September 11, 2004!

The recording was made by an Australian NanoBug swarm which has only now surfaced after going walkabout.

Revelations include:
* What the 3 rogues really thought about John Kerry.
* Who they wanted to win the US election.
* How they plotted the replacement of the Brit opposition leader with a killer android.

All this and more tomorrow, stay tuned...

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Birth of the Unholy European Empire


Editor’s Notes.
The second secret summit between Tony Blair, Jacques Chirac and Gerhardt Schroeder took place at the Granita Restaurant, Islington, London on 11 September 2003.
This meeting was monitored, as before, by a mixed swarm of Israeli and Japanese NanoBugs.
For brevity, I have edited out the social chitchat.

Schroeder. (Beaming rotundly). As rotating chairman, I call this meeting to order. We agreed that we would have a discussion on Iraq, then review progress towards our Final Solution: The Unholy European Empire!

Chirac. (Wearily). My view on Iraq is so far, so good. We bought our friends the 6 months they needed, and the supply of the resistance fighters in Syria and Iran is going well. Our WSMD are safe in Syria. American losses are 1 per day, but we hope through targeting (sniggers) to improve this soon.

Schroeder. (Patting hairpiece in place). We got our long range Scuds out too. And Jacques, you are a master! How did you persuade the Poles that those French missiles stamped “1.1.03” were actually made on January 3 2001?

Chirac. (Smiles). Oh I just told their President to put a CAP on it! (All laugh evilly).

Blair. (Looking boyishly soulful). Can’t say I’m pleased. I mean we ended up having to go to war, and now everyone thinks I’m a Little Hitler (sorry Gerhardt). And I can’t withdraw.

Schroeder. (Suspiciously). Why ever not? Everyone rats on the Americans!

Blair. (Looking even more soulful). It’s Rumsfeld. I suggested we withdraw, and he nailed my head to the floor. (Sobs).

Schroeder, Chirac. (Looking concerned). That must have been terrible.

Blair. (Painfully). Yes, but he was fair. I mean I deserved it. And he could have cut my head off and shrunk it, like he did to all those New York Times reporters. Keeps ‘em in a shoebox on his desk.

Schroeder, Chirac. (Looking shocked, shocked). This is beyond terrible! Making desk ornaments of New York Times reporters! My God, what will he do next? Why is this not known?

Blair. (Leans forward confidingly). Well you know the NYT. If they don’t like a fact, they pretend it never happened! And they do that by putting it, in 2-point type on Page 37, next to their Corrections and Retractions Column. Needs an X-ray microscope of course. But it’s there “Defense Secretary Makes Ornament of Editor”, and so on.

Schroeder, Chirac. (Reassuringly). Well, we forgive you, and the Botox seems to have filled the hole filled nicely.

Blair. (Looking boyishly rueful). So we went in with the Americans, and they gave us the easy Shiite part. As usual our soldiers fought like lions and the officers led like donkeys. Do you know my head Army honcho told me the Health and Safety at Work Act applied to officers, so they wouldn’t be able to do anything dangerous? I mean, bloody hell, what's the point of them?

Chirac. (Lighting Gauloise). So, progress of a sort. The one sad outcome is that the Americans have realized how useless their CIA is. And Bush may reform it (sobs).

Schroeder (Laughing, laughing). Yes, but what fun it has been for us! They sent an idiotic minor Clinton politician (Ed: oxymoron) as their Special Agent to Find The Truth About Yellowcake Uranium In Niger? James Bond was revolving in his water-bed!

Chirac. (Smiling evilly). And he didn’t even know that Niger is a wholly owned subsidiary of France. So we were able to spin them into frenzy. And only Tony’s Intel people noticed!

Blair. (Looking apologetic). Yes, sorry about that, won’t happen again. What I found so bizarre is that the wife of the bloke they sent runs the CIA’s WMD program! And she swore she had nothing to do with his assignment. Then it turns out that she recommended him in writing! And she says she forgot! And she’s the person the Americans relied on to commit 250,000 men to war. And she still in her job!

Chirac. (Snickering). Well, it’ll stay broken for a while, so we don’t need to worry yet. They have also totally messed up their economy with their crazy airline security system that gropes women. So women won’t travel! Wow! You’ll see Tony; they’ll be fingerprinting you on your next visit!

Blair. (Laughing). No Jacques, that’s going to far! Mind you the bureaucrats who gave posthumous visas to 9/11 hijackers are still there, so I wouldn’t put it past them.

Schroeder. (Wiggling eyebrow implants). So that’s a wrap on Iraq Chaps! Lets turn to our Grand Project after a comfort break.

(Ed: Several bottles of wine later, discussion resumes).

Schroeder. (Looking sincere). Jacques, I’d like to thank you for the excellent work Valery (Ed: Giscard d'Estaing, an extremely French person) did pulling the Constitution together, it gives us all we need.

Blair, Chirac. (Nodding). Yup, agreed.

Chirac. (Looking wise). I particularly like how long it is. Nobody is going to read it. And it’s sooo complex as we planned, none of this “We hold these truths” nonsense!

Blair. (Giggling). And I particularly like the way voting is handled. I mean it says every country has an equal vote, but my boffins tell me that it actually makes “voting weight” directly proportional to population. That's Us! Neat!

Schroeder. (Looking earnest). So we now start the campaign to get it implemented. After that we’re home and dry. Can we rehearse the talking points please? We need to be word perfect!

Blair, Chirac, Schroeder. (Standing up, hands on hearts). This constitution is just a tidying up exercise! Where it looks like a massive extension, trust us, it isn’t! Every State will have the same vote (giggles)! Every state can veto important matters (more giggles)! We promise not to let the European Court move the goalposts! It will not be amended! The European Parliament will have power! Nobody needs a referendum! (All sit down laughing, clink and drain wine glasses).

Blair. (Looking boyishly serious). Seriously though my friends we must all costs avoid referenda. There’s no chance I can get one through without creative accounting, and I’m nervous about Gordon (Ed: Brown, Blair’s rival) because that's his hot topic & he'll spot it.

Chirac. (Reassuringly). Don’t worry Tony, referenda will never happen...but if they do, my advice is do what I did for our Euro decision. Make sure there’s all sorts of places and ways people can vote, so nobody can keep track.

Schroeder. (Laughing, laughing). Excellent point Jacques! We can say it’s all part of modernizing voting. You know, easily massaged ways, like the Internet, texting and so on.

Chirac, Blair. (Sitting back). Great idea, let’s do it!

Chirac. (Leaning forward, raising eyebrows 10 inches). At our next meeting I want us to agree how to get rid of That Shitty Little Country (Ed: French term for Israel). We just found out they have nuclear missiles targeting Paris - just because we are targeting them! As you know they now have spy satellites, so in the unfortunate event of hostilities, I may be unable to conceal myself. So they must go!

(Ed. After NanoBug nanodiscussion, Israeli NanoBomb fires itself at Chirac, bounces off jowls uparmored by years of Gauloise smoke. Hits passing sommelier, who expires and is dragged out by apologetic Maitre d.)

Chirac. (Musingly). Funny, that keeps on happening, hey ho, now to the serious drinking!

(Ed. NanoBugs swarm off to mother ships).
End of transcript for September 11, 2003

A Song for Kofi

Tim Blair references Mark Steyn on the depravity of the UN Peacekeepers. He asks: Which is worse, lefties? Leashes or repeated rape? Michelle Malkin says "It's time to rethink the nearly half-billion dollars in aid we send to U.N. peace-keeping operations".

Rape?? Nooo, these poor Peacekeepers just lack self-esteem! Every army knows that good marching songs are crucial to morale, yet the UN has none! Accordingly, Gandalf offers this contribution to World Peace. To be sung by the Peacekeepers as they march from airport to 5-star hotel.

Zank evan for leettle girls
For leettle girls they cannot run away

Zank evan for leettle girls
We have ze guns, they do exactly what we say

Ze girls (and boys) we use for our grim reaping
Will die of AIDS, zat’s what we call “ le peacekeeping”

Zank evan for leettle girls
Even those so very small
We are the “UN”, we’re not the “WHO”
Zat makes us all ze bravest boys in blue!

Chorus
Zank evan…Zank evan
Zank evan for leettle girls


(With sincerest apologies to the memory of Maurice Chevalier).

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

The New Granita Tapes: Operation Iraqi Slavery


Editor’s Notes
1. This is the transcript of the second part of the 11 September 2002 meeting between Blair, Chirac and Schroeder at the Granita in Islington.
2. I now translate all references to the US Government as “the Americans”. My usage yesterday of the Wehrmacht slang “Amis” confused some readers.

Chirac. (Tapping Gauloise on glass). We are agreed on our plans for the Unholy European Empire and our roles in it, so now we turn our attentions to the Americans. They are preparing an attack on Iraq, the consequences of which will be profound. We must truthfully examine how each of us see them, and how we want to deal with them. Tony?

Blair. (Sincerely). I think that the Americans are OK. Common culture and so on. OK, Bush is right wing & I can’t stand his policies. And the US is even ghastlier than the UK. But 9/11 was terrible and retribution is the only language Johnnie Arab understands. (Chirac & Schroeder wince). They won in Afghanistan when all of my so-called experts said they hadn’t got a chance. I say keep up the good work!

Schroeder. (Emotionally). I cannot disagree more! The Americans have no conception of suffering! To them the price of war is just the death of their young men. To us it is also the slaughter or maiming of millions of innocents. And the rape of mothers, children, sisters…

Blair. (Smiling). Gerhardt, lighten up! Here's the BBC's Joke For Today. There are two men, in a bomber over Berlin, and one turns to the other… (Gerhardt starts sobbing uncontrollably). Whoops, put my foot in it again!

Schroeder. (Sniffing). Millions of powerless innocents were killed or mutilated or violated, all over Europe. I think the American loss of a few thousand people is nothing to what happened in our countries. Germans want war never to happen again!

Chirac. (Solemnly). Well, it takes two to war, and anyway I think war is OK. Death, mutilation and rape of innocents are not bad, if it is in the interests of France. In the 20th century, France directly and indirectly killed perhaps 7 Million from Algeria to Rwanda. Many more than any other free country! This is acceptable because France is the light of the world! If we fall, so does civilization! (Empties wine glass with flourish).

Schroeder, Blair. (Also empty wine glasses and look wide eyed at each other).

Chirac. (Defensively). So, we must agree to disagree on the principles of war. But perhaps we can agree on the economic and cultural front?

Schroeder. (Back in control of self). The Americans threaten us in two ways. First, as they become stronger, so the UEE must become weaker. This is an inevitable consequence of the Common European Fixed Size Cake Zero-Sum Law. Second, the economic damage to the UEE will be great if the Americans succeed in democratizing the Arab nations. We will lose our lucrative trade supplying WSMD (Weapons of Somewhat Mass Destruction) (Ed: Chirac used the French Acronym WDNPGMD, and Schroeder a very long German word that broke Babelfish. But I think the sense is clear). Not to mention we lose our sweet oil deals!

Chirac. (Lighting another Gauloise, coughing). And the Americans continue to thwart us! We beat them in Airliners, Space, and Helicopters. But then they invent new markets (often, I’m sorry to say, with the help of the British). So now we have to control, er exploit, the Internet, Information Technology, Low cost space launch, Biotechnology and Nanotechnology (Ed Note: NanoBugs nanojeer).

Schroeder. (Peering at his fancy new Samsung mobile phone). The trouble is we’re just no good at all this post-industrial stuff the Americans and the Brits keep inventing. One of my staff recently explained peer-to-peer to me. How can you control it? It’s a cancer!

Blair. (Cheerily). No problem my old, I’m abolishing them! (S explains P to P). Oh, sorreee!

Chirac. (Spreading arms). So, let us come together. Tony, do you not agree that, if you support the Americans, it will be hard for you to become President of the UEE? I say this not as a threat, but as a fact. By the time the UEE happens, it will will be over 20 countries. You need their initial support, and most of them do not like America because it liberated them!

Blair. (Looking statesmanlike). You’re right Jacques. I’m sorry chaps, I got carried away.

Schroeder. (Looking Teutonic). So are we agreed, the Americans must fail if we are to succeed. And also, we are agreed that the Americans should not be permitted go to war – either because we oppose them, or because we do not wish them to suffer.

Blair, Chirac, Schroeder. (Mutterings of agreement, clinking of glasses).

Chirac. (Frowning). So now let us turn to Iraq. You may not realize this, but France is the Muslim world’s oldest ally - since1536! We are comfortable with them & do not wish to see their societies overturned, in particular that of our ally and my patron Mr. S Hussein.

Schroeder. (Jumping up). 1536! Swine hound, so that’s why you missed the Siege of Vienna in 1683! (Curses in untranslatable German, then pulls self together). OK, sorry, we must look to the future. So, Tony and I wish to stop the Americans and you Jacques wish to beat them.

Chirac. (Smiling evilly). Correct, and all we need to do is undermine them so that they lose confidence on their ability to go to war with Iraq. When they don’t fight, you two are happy, and by not fighting they lose, so I am happy!

Blair. (Crinkling brow). Ye-es, I think that’s right. So how do we stop them?

Chirac. (Ticking off points on fingers). Easy, face them with another Vietnam. Restrict them to Iraq, then ship in weapons and fighters from no-go areas (Syria & Iran). Attack them only during TV prime time and rely on the US Media to put the worst spin on all setbacks. Hope for an American atrocity, and failing that invent one. Produce an appeasing Democrat (easy - they all are) to take out Bush in 04.

Schroeder. (Uneasily). Of course we do not wish a war to happen, just to present it as a scenario to deter the Americans!

Chirac. (Creepily). But of course!

Blair. (Eagerly). So, no harm done!

Schroeder. (Doubtfully smoothing his hairpiece). But Iraq, Iran and Syria need time to set up the scenario. The Americans will be ready in a few weeks!

Chirac. (Even more creepily). First we make sure that the Americans have bad logistics, by preventing Turkey becoming a base. I will do this with one phone call – if the Turks don’t agree, bye-bye UEE membership! Not that they’ll get it anyway! (All laugh nastily).

Schroeder. (Now laughing, laughing). Then we use the UN! Germany will soon chair the Security Council, so timing is great! Kofi is of course with us (although Jacques, the villas in Antibes must be transferred quickly!).

Blair. (Enthusiastically). And one of us will pretend to ally with the Americans. Then insist that they must first gain UN Security Council approval!

Chirac. (Raising both arms) And then the other two of us will promise to support the Americans, but only after proper UN debate!

Blair. (Excitedly). And of course we’ll renege on our promises, so the Americans won’t get Security Council approval anyway!

Chirac. (Smoothly). Buys us 6 months, easily. Which gives us time to move our WSMD to our friends in Syria. Exactly so! (Glances at Blair). Just in case the Americans go ahead and attack, of course, which they won’t!

Blair. (Doubtfully). I seeee, so we’d really be doing the Americans a favor. Well I’m the one with the Special Relationship, so I guess I’ll have to be the “Ally”, right? Would look good in the polls too, hmmm…

Chirac. (Smacking table). Right! But (and this will not happen), if the Americans do go to war, you Tony will be with them. Then your Army must fight poorly, to avoid casualties!

Blair. (Reassuringly). Don’t worry Jacques; if we end up in a war, the British Army will cock it up. I’ve spent most of the past 5 years’ defense budget on our useless Eurofighter Job Creation Boondoggle (all giggle). So our forces have no equipment! And in the unlikely event they win, I’ll charge them with war crimes! You know, calling prisoners nasty names, that sort of thing.

Schroeder. (Cheering up). And about time too!

Blair. (Earnestly). But I do need your assurances that you’ll stop any war happening. Because I’d really hate to get in Rumsfeld’s bad books for not delivering. Did you know he sits in meetings with a funny laser gadget on his shoulder? Projects three red dots wherever he looks. Often on my nose. Like in the video my kids watch all the time. Prendergast? Pride and Prejudice?

Schroeder, Chirac (in unison). Predator! Don’t worry, Tony, we'll keep you safe from Don! (Giggle together).

Chirac. (Fulsomely). Splendid, magnificent, all agreed. What do we have to do to get a decent French drink around here?

(Ed: At this point the recording ceases, I believe because the waiter put a jeroboam of Mumm Extra Dry Champagne on top of the fragment of Polenta in which NanoBugs were hiding).

Monday, February 14, 2005

The Granita Tapes, Part 1A


This is Part 1 of the transcript of the September 11, 2002 Meeting at Granita, Islington, London, UEE.

Editor’s Notes
1. This is the transcript of the first part of the meeting. The second part follows tomorrow.
2. The NanoBugs had excellent video (thanks Sony!), but sadly Blogspot doesn’t handle this. So I’ve added comments to give an impression of the demeanor of the participants.
3. I’ve edited out only a few irrelevant comments.
4. Remember, this is translated from French.

Chirac. (Massaging leathery jowls and looking serious). Gentlemen, welcome to our meeting. Thank you Tony for organizing the venue and arranging the terrorist alerts that cleared the country. Shame about the food here.

Schroeder. (Genially). I second that. Tony, nice teeth!

Blair. (Looking boyish). Thank you both and welcome. I appreciate you coming all this way.

Chirac. (Frowning seriously). Our goal tonight is to agree plans for our future health and prosperity, correct?

Schroeder, Blair. Agreed.

Chirac. So I suggest we each state clearly and without equivocation how we see things and what we want. I suggest Tony kicks off.

Blair. (Looking firm and yet sad). I will be President-for-life of the Unholy European Empire (Ed: UEE is discussed in more detail later). I can't stay on as Prime Minister, I just don’t know how to do it. You see, I’ve never had a proper job - I’m only a bloody lawyer, not like Maggie, Churchill, or Bush. (Stifles manly sob).

Chirac. (Leathery eyes shining). And I will be lifetime head of the New Empire of the Great Napoleon! France, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Belgium, Luxembourg and Malta. (lights unfiltered Gauloise).

Blair (Sniffling). It’s OK waiter, he can smoke, he’s French.

Waiter. Yes sir, if you can just sign here. (Blair signs form entitled “Smoking Ban Revocation for Derogated Nationals of the Republic of France”).

Schroeder. (Looking Prussian). And I will be (Ed: Untranslatable German title meaning complete, absolute and utter and total Monarch) of a new Greater Reich. I will re-unite Germany, Austria, Sweden, Denmark, Poland, Hungary, Finland, and the Netherlands.

Blair. (Eyes glistening). My main residence will be the Palazzo dei Conservatori in the Piazza del Campidoglio (Ed: Nice choice, great view). I’ll have unlimited Euros and power.

Schroeder. (Looking even more Prussian). My Chancellery will be the Charlottenburg palace (Ed: nice choice, great parking!), many servants, many Lexuses – Mercedes is crap now (Ed: Japanese NanoBugs nanocheer at this point) with an SAS Palace Guard (Ed: SAS are excellent Brit Special Forces). And lots of courtesans, I mean courtiers. Well, both actually.

Blair. (Looking boyish again). Consider the SAS bit done, my old, I’d been wondering how to get them out of the way.

Chirac. (With gravitas). It goes without saying that I shall reside at Versailles. I shall have 2,000 orange trees in pots that you can wheel around, lots of cute ladies with white wigs and fancy gowns which you can just... (Ed: rambles on a bit).

Others. Hear, hear!

Blair. (Looking out of window with distaste). I mean I’d like to make a go of being Prime Minister, but even if I could, Britain is soo crappy. Outside of London they drink Chardonnay! From boxes! They live in horrible little houses with door chimes! They drive nasty little cars! Chinese restaurants don’t have chopsticks! Hotels don’t have concierges!

Chirac. (Lugubriously). France’s ancient institutions are crumbling too - bakers don’t knead their own dough anymore. There is a McDonalds on the Champs Elysees. We are overrun with Moslems, and our population is falling. Also our economy is (how you say) “in the large container of fluid”.

Schroeder. (Patting hairpiece). Germany too is in that container. I am, like Tony, a Socialist. Socialism is an ancient German tradition, (remember, we put the “zi” in Nazi!). But, as we all know, it doesn’t work! Kids stay at college until they are 35! You can’t fire anyone! State pensions are huge! Taxes are crippling!

Blair. (Shoulders hunching). I tried following both of you. Increased taxes by 25% & threw money at education and healthcare. Nothing happened! Kids just got useless degrees in Media Studies while their grandparents expired in hospital corridors.

Chirac. (Raising eyebrows 6 inches). I mean, France has been best in the world at centralized planning since Louis XIV. We have Ecole Nationale d'Administration. Our “Enarques” have taken from the Amis industrial leadership of Civil Aviation (Airbus), Helicopters (Eurocopter) and Commercial Space Launch (Arianespace). But as soon as we use our monopolies and subsidies to dominate a market, it becomes unprofitable. I don’t get it!

Blair. (Twiddling hairpiece). I tried central planning too. Set a 5-year plan to increase the number of hospital operations. And what happened? Lots more ingrowing toenails got removed but no hearts got transplanted!

Schroeder. (Narrowing eyes, stroking white fluffy cat). Ye-es, but how do you explain that Britain’s economy has been growing strongly for years, while the rest of the UEE is in the toilet?

Blair. (Looking nervous). I haven’t a clue! Gordon (Ed: Gordon Brown, Finance Minister) keeps raising taxes and nothing bad happens. The economy just keeps growing! Bizarre and nothing to do with me, honest.

Schroeder. (Stroking cat harder). Because Harmful Competition Leads to Accidents…

Blair. (Wiping forehead). Don’t worry, 2 years and Britain will be back to UEE norms, honest guv.

Chirac. (Coughing and looking sad) And French Pride is no help, it’s really just lack of self respect. Every French town has a house that was Gestapo headquarters. People went there to give information, or to die, or both. We didn’t liberate ourselves, the Amis and the British did. We didn’t even have a beach at Normandy, the Canadians had to do that.

Schroeder. (Laughing) If the French needed to reserve beaches, they should have used good German towels! (Silence). (Laughing in embarrassed way, removing glasses). Anyway, I wanted to say that Germany is horrible too. Thanks to the British and Amis (who we secretly dislike for destroying our cities), we had to rebuild it all in 1951. Terrible modern architecture, crap materials, awful, awful. (Ed: And all their restaurants are like funeral parlors).

Chirac. (Outstretching hands). So, I too face a hopeless situation. Our army of unemployed riots for better wages! Our guest-terrorists are threatening to take arms against France itself! And I am a felon!

Schroeder, Blair. (Muttering). Aren’t we all?

Chirac. (Waving arms again). And one day I will be thrown out of the Presidency. Possibly I will be imprisoned, sharing a cell with a large Muslim, and you know what that means…Gerhard, don’t laugh! (Gallic sobs).

Schroeder. (Looking serious now). It’s hopeless for me too. Germany has zero growth, massive unemployment, a falling population and no future.

Chirac, Blair. Um, isn’t that the plan?

Schroeder . (Looking up, eyes shining). Yet in 1950 it looked soo good. By 1918 we’d drained the British of all the assets they’d accumulated over centuries, at minimal cost to ourselves. After they struggled back up, we finished them off in WW2! (Voice becomes shrill). They had nothing, nothing - the Amis took all their assets! And then the fools even gave us aid!
(Ed: Blair and Chirac pat Schroeder on the back & make soothing noises).

Schroeder. (Controlling self). Worse, unless Tony stops them, the British are about to overtake us again. And our armed forces are a joke, so we can’t even start another world war! (Sighs) It’s not fair, I tell you I am the most unpopular German politician in, oh, 10 years, and I won’t last long. (Sobs).

Blair. (Voice cracking) Me too - the bastards will chuck me out in a few years. And what will I have? Less money than some Dot Com Nerd (explains term to C and S). My life will be like Maggie’s: a bleak round of lecture tours of dreadful places like Minneapolis. And one ghost-written, tell-all book. And I can’t even become a Lord since I’m abolishing the bastards! And unlike Mrs. T, I won’t have achieved anything, so nobody will remember me.

Chirac. (Lighting another Gauloise and waving arms). Enough, enough, my braves! Let us talk of the sunlit uplands of the future – the Unholy European Empire (UEE). Waiter - 6 more bottles of the barely passable Chianti. (Ed: pause for sampling, lip smacking etc).

Chirac. (Intoning). “Unholy” because, well, religion has been the cause of horrible wars.

Schroeder. (Ponderously). “European”, because that’s our turf, is that correct my “Homoboys”?

Blair. (Sighing). Homeboys, Gerhardt. And of course “Empire” because there won’t be any real elections!

All. (Cheering, clinking of glasses).

Chirac. (Looking serious) Of course the UEE will be poor – even now Europe is only as rich as the 5th poorest Ami state, West Virginia. You know the one where the movie Deliverance was set.

Schroeder. (Laughing, laughing) Ah Deliverance, one of my favorites, so romantic!

Chirac. (Swallowing). Of course our big cities will stay rich! London, Paris, Frankfurt are just as well heeled as New York City or LA! So we need not worry about our own decline, that’s a problem for the poor. Who will definitely NOT be with us! At least anywhere near us, we still need the tax base!

Blair. (Looking chirpy). Next item! As agreed, I’ve taken advice from Goldman Sachs.

Chirac, Schroeder. (In chorus, bowing). Goldman Sachs! Goldman Sachs! The Main Men!

Blair. (Importantly). They confirm that our businesses are beyond our abilities to manage. And their recommended best commercial practice is a merger with one or more other hopeless cases. They also confirm that, as in any merger, we are bound to ensure the best returns for the most important parties.

Chirac. (Frowning). The employees?

Schroeder. (Waving hand). The shareholders!

Blair. (Giggling). No dummies, the Management, of course, us! So we’re forming the UEE on the best possible advice! Apparently Goldmans use this rule all the time.

Schroeder. (Wonderingly). Great rule! Look After The Managers First! I’ll pass this on to my mates at Mannesmann.

Blair. (Leaning back, hands behind head). So, we conclude this first part of our meeting. We are agreed that by 2007, we three will be UEE Co-Presidents for life with suitable accommodation and emoluments. Together we will asset strip, er integrate, the United Kingdom to optimize the use of resources, remove dead wood, eliminate harmful competition etc.

Chirac. (Smiling evilly). And then, the UEE will, in alliance with China & the Holy Muslim Nations, reduce the USA to its proper status in the world as a supplier of raw materials (and defense if we need it). We will discuss plans after a “pit stop”.

(Ed: Here the first part of the meeting ends).