Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Israel's Answer

The Mullahs have announced fiendish new weapons, ignoring at their peril the deadly Israeli arsenal.

With the aid of the Prophet Muhammad (praise be upon his suspension of the laws of Physics), Iran has developed a ballistic missile that dodges radar waves, and a torpedo launched from radar-invisible ships that travels faster than a speeding bullet.

The IDF has not been idle in the face of these terrors - here are some of their counters.

The Empress Of Blandings Herd

Readers of P. G. Wodehouse will recall:

The Empress is an enormous Berkshire pig owned by doddering but harmless Lord Emsworth, the wealthy, upper-class owner of Blandings Castle who is obsessed with keeping her weight up.

Pigs are omnivores, and Mossad has acquired a herd of EoB descendants that feast on the remains of Iranian-funded Palestinian martyrs, so denying them entry to Paradise and the 74 virgins. Retired Brit aristocratic pig lovers lovingly tend the herd at a secret location in the Negev desert.

The Regime Decapitators

These invisible Israeli UAVs swarm throughout Iran, using pattern recognition to detect poorly trimmed facial hair. On a command from their IDF operators, they morph into tiny chainsaws and decapitate their targets at the straggly beard line.

AA Battery-Triggered Thermonukes

Your father’s thermonukes use the Teller-Ulam design, in which X rays from a fission bomb trigger the more energetic fusion. As the Mullahs have found, building fission bombs exposes them to brutal UN sanctions. The postmodern Israeli design skips the fission part by triggering the fusion with an AA battery-powered x-ray laser. The weapon yields a minimum 10 megatons and costs $1,000 per megaton.


This is an Israeli network of air-launched (rather than ground-launched) earth satellites, each costing an affordable $10 million per launch and carrying 100 of the above thermonukes (these are codenamed "Smooth Stones"). On command from the דָּוִד battle management center in downtown Tel Aviv, the satellites will deliver their deadly cargos onto enemies of the Israelites.

Non-Suicide Car Bombers

Anyone who's driven in Israel will have seen this elite force honing its skills. Combining Italian driving skills with German road discipline, its drivers can reach any Iranian target (regardless of downtown traffic), drop off a nuke, and be back in Haifa drinking mint tea before the weapon detonates.


The Mullahs should be very afraid – unlike their own weapons, some of this Israeli stuff might actually work...