Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The Exit Plan, Final Cut

Tony Blair yesterday proposed the solution to all the world's problems - here's the unexpurgated version.

Here's what got published:

In his speech at the Guildhall last night, Tony Blair presented the outline of his plan for a new settlement in Iraq. His proposal is largely consistent with what are expected to be the recommendations of Washington's Iraq Study Group, headed by former Secretary of State James Baker.

Both the American and the Downing Street versions of this formula are being billed as fresh, realistic responses to the dilemma of post-war Iraqi chaos.

Iran and Syria would be offered privileged status in resolving the future of Iraq...

The rest of the speech went as follows:

Blair explained that this advanced form of diplomacy had been perfected by himself, ensuring the orderly transfer of power over the people of Northern Ireland from the United Kingdom to a consortium of the IRA and their backers, the Irish Republic.

Blair then moved on to Afghanistan. He argued that it made no sense to exclude the major players from ongoing dialog. In consequence, it was imperative that the leaders of the world's opium trade, the Taliban, and the Government of Pakistan be given special responsibility for establishing a stable regime in Afghanistan.

Blair next proposed that France, Hizbollah, Hamas, Russia, Syria and Iran be given privileged status in determining the Final Solution to the Israeli Question.

Turning to the problems facing North Korea, Blair proposed EU technical support for its self defense program in return for its active so-operation in addressing the threat presented by the South Korean electronics industry to the livelihood of countless EU workers.

Finally, Blair proposed that China be given UN authority to resolve the threat to world peace presented by the breakaway Taiwanese.

Blair concluded by regretting any inconvenience caused to British and US soldiers killed in the liberation of Iraq and Afghanistan, and apologized in advance for future deaths from the necessary crack-downs on Iraq, Afghanistan, Israel, South Korea, and Taiwan. And of course Northern Ireland.